Revel

I was thinking about stupid things today.

Like why would an apartment complex install high-maintenance, easily stained carpet instead of cheap linoleum or laminate. Maybe so they have a valid reason not to return my deposit. Or because it’s slightly less expensive. Who knows.

I know I have made these type of lists before, but I enjoy them.

Serving tables gives you an entirely new opinion of people. Sometimes bad, sometimes good. Mostly bad.

Dear customers,

1. I hate it when you are  on the cell phone and hold your finger up while mouthing the words “one minute.” Then take 5 more minutes on the phone while I wait, watching from a distance for you to hang up. When you finally do, I come over to take your order and you act irritated, like I’ve taken to long to greet you.

2. I hate it when you are so nice and friendly the entire time, then tip me $2.00 on $2o.00.

3. I hate it when you don’t complain at all, and seem happy, then when my manager visits your table, you make a comment which to you seems offhanded, but I get in trouble because of what you said.

4.  I hate it when you mispronounce things on the menu, and STILL mispronounce it once I or someone at your table corrects you. It’s like some kind of willful ignorance.

5. I hate when you let your children have free roam of the restaurant.

6. I hate when you prance in with your perfect husband, your Prada bag, your Affliction shirt, and your Coach sunglasses yet can’t afford to tip me 20% even when I treat you like the royalty you think you are.

7. I hate when you need something every time I pass the table. You are annoying.

8. I hate when you shred paper items all over the table. I hate cleaning up tiny bits of straws and sugar packets because you’re a nervous nelly.

9. I hate when you try to tell me about Jesus.

10. I hate when you teenagers come in and barely manage to stop giggling and chatting long enough to tell me you want the kids meal. Then you need me to refill your coke every 5 minutes and at the end say “keep the change,” attempting to tip me, even though the change is less than a dollar.

I wish that writing about the good things that people do was more fun. Those occurrences are too rare, for one, and I feel like I would vomit from typing 10 “Chicken Soup for the Server’s Soul” moments.

I just don’t have it in me to enjoy uplifting conversation. It’s a huge downfall.

Hope everyone had a good Christmas. Don’t drive drunk on New Year’s Eve, okay?